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Zachary Bittner

Zachary Bittner is an amateur Artist, Systems Analyst, and Free Software Foundation Supporter. He also helps in editing Muktware aticles. You can follow him on Google +.

Zachary Bittner is an amateur Artist, Systems Analyst, and Free Software Foundation Supporter. He also helps in editing Muktware aticles. You can follow him on Google +.

Committed to the idea that the struggle for the freedom of knowledge and the struggle for the freedom of software is invariably connected. Zach spends most of his time trying to broadening his experiences in Linux Game Development, Graphic Design, Microcontrollers, and Programming.

Apple Announces Total Recall For iPhone 4: Live Blogging [Humor]

Humor: Apple today organized a special media gathering to discuss the iPhone 4. Here is fictional Live (as in distro) blogging of the event by an upcoming news website — Factual Error*.

10.10: Steve Jobs entered the packed press room holding the iPhone 4 high in the air. “This is the most successful product Apple has ever launched,” said Jobs.

10.11: “I have been told by people –  people I trust –  that people love iPhone 4. We have already sold more than 3 million units. I was stunned to hear that Consumer Report recommends not to buy the phone. We thought we had found the solution to the problem, but some problems are more complicated than we think they are.”

10.13: “As we learned, we shared our finding with the users. We don’t believe in keeping the user waiting for us. We found it was a non-issue with the iPhone, we conveyed it to the users. We then found that holding the phone in a strange position does affect the signals so we conveyed it to the users and asked them to hold it otherwise. In the end we found it was only a signal problem and we conveyed it to the users.”

10.16: “Today I am with you to share our final report. And I have the fix. But before that I need to share something important with you. Did you know MocoSpace survey discovered that SMS is the way that nearly 50 percent of respondents who broke up by phone have chosen to use? Did you know most road accident happens due to drivers’ engagement with the phone?”

10.20: “Your life is more important than your phone. If you are high on sentiments — you will pick up the phone and end up sending a message which you will regret later. What if you get some time to think before you send that message? Our internal survey found that the rate of accidents, break-ups is extremely low among iPhone users. We give you time to think. I bet you might have thanked that bad signals which saved you from making an embarrassing call. Millions who die in road accident might have wished for a bad signal which would have stopped them from making that call.”

10.22: “The so-called antenna is a blessing – it is doing more good than harm. Last year the number of break-ups on competitors’ phone was 1 million; more than 2 million people lost their lives while driving as they were busy on competitor’s phone. There are no reports of break-up between two iPhone users, there is no data about how many people died in road accidents while using their iPhones. You want to change this? You want to fix it? You think it’s a problem?”

10.25: Steve raises the iPhone 4 in the air. (You can clearly see a silver colored band around it). “This is a magical, revolutionary product which is saving lives. What is there to fix?”

10.27: “I know a lot of people who have never done anything great in their lives were demanding a recall. Respecting their wishes we are announcing Total Recall on iPhone 4. If and when you are able to connect to the network, you can search for the ‘free’ total recall app and download the movie. It is in HD – our Retina Display enhances the experience.”

10.30: The room gets dark and “Let’s watch the movie!”

Note: Apple fan-boys, it’s humor so please ‘stay calm’.

* PS: Factual Error is an upcoming spoof news site to be launched on July 30th.

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Why iPhone 4 Is Not For Every Tom, Dick & Harry

SERIOUS/STUFF: One of our lazy correspondents who can barely get enough sleep have started contributing a series about his experiences with ‘real’ people in his real life.

He just happen to be with his mates Tom, Dick and Harry when some Peter came with his iPhone 4. He is upset with Blizzard’s decision to ask for real names of online players thus to protest against Blizzard’s decision he has refused to disclose his real name and will be known by his handle Skeptic. He earlier used to write a humor column “Serious Stuff” for LINUX For You magazine.

Peter: “Hey, I just bought an Eye-Phone.”
Tom: “Great. Can I see?”
Peter: “Yes sure?”
Dick: “But why are you wearing gloves in this hot summer?”
Peter: “Well, my body contact affects the reception. You know we are dirty bag of salt and water.”
Harry: “OK. But why are you standing like that?”
Peter: “Well, nobody is perfect. For long we believed that standing on two legs was a major step of evolution. But that is not true. I guess nature has some flaws, the way we stand and feel comfortable is flawed. It affects the reception of my iPhone 4.”
Tom: “But it doesn’t affect my Android. I can stand the way I want, I can hold it with sweaty or wet hands.”
Peter: “Standards matter. There is a certain way of doing things. You can eat Chinese with fork, but using Chop-sticks is the right thing to do. Value the tradition. Do things the way they are done. Think and do differently.”
Dick: “OK.”
Harry: “Can I see your phone?”
Peter: “Sure”
Tom: “Why don’t you use the bumper?”
Peter: “Well, I use it when I am at home. But outside I feel more comfortable showing the magical and revolutionary.”
Dick: “At the cost of your own discomfort?”
Peter: “Its not discomfort, its pleasure. What are your doing?”
Harry: “I am calling up my friend.”
Peter: “Well….I don’t think you live in a nice neighborhood. The buildings here block the reception.”
Tom: “Building? We are in the center of the city in a park. Where are the buildings?”
Peter: “They should have allowed some Cell Towers in the park you see, signals might be weak here due to city’s stupid policies.”
Dick: “So, I can’t make a call.”
Peter: “No. But if you want to, then do what I do. Take a bus and see where you get the strongest signals. Get off the bus and make your call. Easy.”
Harry: “You can’t make a stupid call from this thing, you have to wear gloves, you have to stand in a Homo-Freaktus position, why the hell do you carry this stuff…”
Tom: “Because it’s an iPhone.”

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